Fred Barnes and his “bright” ideas
Bret Baier’s not so “Special Report” on March 22nd 2011 featured a 4 minute and 13 second piece on CFL’s (compact fluorescent light bulbs), or as I like to call them, “EOYWBFTE Bulbs.” That stands for “Easier On Your Wallet Better For The Environment.” This enlightening discussion included Juan Williams, Fred Barnes and Charles Kauthammer. At the beginning of the discussion, Baier cited a Special Report Poll posing the question, ”Will you start hoarding incandescent light bulbs before they’re phased out for energy efficient bulbs on January 1, 2012?” 79.44% of the people who took this poll voted yes. It just so happens that the same exact percentage, 79.44% of those people are clueless.
Fred Barnes lead the discussion with this statement, “I’m going to hoard hundreds of these old fashioned bulbs.” After hearing this I immediately grabbed my keys and started heading out the door with the intention of visiting every hardware, drug, and home improvement store within a 50 mile radius to get my hands on every “old fashioned bulb” I could find. I only hope Fred Barnes doesn’t beat me to it. But as I approached my driveway I remembered; this is the guy who actually took time out of his life to write a book about George W. Bush called “Rebel In Chief.” So I closed the car door and started back in the house. Satisfied that I was not going to follow the advice of a moron, I kicked my feet up on my recycled stack of newspapers and rewound the Special Report segment. After all, it was only fair to let Fred explain why he felt the need to stock-up on a technology that’s over 130 years old.
His answer was related to the fact that CFL bulbs contain a trace amount of mercury inside. An amount so small in fact that it barely would fit on the tip of a pen. “What if you have kids around as a lot of people do, what are you going to do if one of these light bulbs break?”, Mr. Barnes said. Well now you’re making sense Fred. You’re right! What if Jewish people start replacing plates with CFL’s bulbs at weddings? What happens if light fixtures suddenly corrode and light bulbs start dropping from the ceiling. Worse yet, what if a runaway bulldozer smashes through the front of a Wal-Mart and uncontrollably rolls down the light bulb aisle?
You idiot. Do you check the caps on the bleach in your laundry room every night? Do you pull your stove out and make sure the gas lines are securely tightened every so often? Do you have a pool Fred? And if so do you make sure it’s covered every night so lost blind children don’t accidentally fall in? No need to get back to me on those questions. The answer is no.
But upon further review of this Special Report, it turns out it wasn’t the release of mercury on his living room floor that concerned Fred Barnes. That was evident in this statement, “We had to get new toilets so the water would flush less, and new shower heads so not as much water would come out.” Ah so that’s it! The ol’ government is taking over our lives bit. I knew it was in there somewhere. And to think, I thought you were a concerned, environmentally responsible citizen.
Fred even dropped the “we’re becoming a nanny state” line on us and then that really got me thinking. Fred’s right, if we let the government take away our energy sucking, short life, hot burning, antiquated light bulbs now…what’s next? I mean where does it end? Am I going to have to give up lead in my paint? Will the government take away my right to have asbestos in my walls? And what about my car? I’ve been trying to remove those airbags in the dash ever since I bought the thing? What kind of nanny state is this where I can’t smash my head through a windshield if I want to?
You go ahead Fred Barnes. You take your time riding around Washington “hoarding old fashioned light bulbs.” To pick all these bulbs up, why not rent the biggest, baddest SUV with as little air in the tires as possible so you get the least amount of MPG’s you can? In the meantime, I’ll be anxiously awaiting the toilet and shower head police to show up at my door. And damn them to hell if they thing they’re going to stop me from saving one drop of water for the good of anything!
I would like to briefly comment on Charles Kauthammer’s comments relating to the matter. He said, “”Let people in the market decide, you can even have the government put its thumb on the scale by subsidizing CFR’s.” Now I was going to go into this whole thing about sometimes people don’t know what’s best for them and perhaps the “free market” isn’t always the best answer. Especially when it comes to thing’s that people know nothing about. But the interesting part about Charles Kauthammer’s comments about CFL’s is that he called them “CFR’s!” Charles, do me a favor would ya? If you don’t even know what the hell you are talking about don’t lend your opinion to it. Thanks.
Well that concludes this commentary on Bret Baier’s “Special Report.” I would like to write more on the topic but it’s getting hard to see. My incandescent light bulb just burned out and I have to replace it with something much more energy efficient … a candle.